8. Newness

New territory reveals one's fears. It also conjures up all the possibilities of bad -- what could go wrong? That's impossible. It can't be done. It shouldn't be done. Just. Forget. It.

New is a tragedy.

Yet tragedies are all just comedies waiting to happen. Given a little time and taking one step at a time, life plays out. 

A year of soul-searching and realizing there are no answers, only the ones within, I felt all the fears of my past creep up to greet me. I'd waver back and forth, finding it hard to come to a decisive decision.

The more I learn about life, relationships, and myself, the more I realize I don't know shit. It's just the fact of the matter. It's all so new.

I've wavered on careers, job opportunities, interviews, relationships, friendships, how to carry certain conversations, how I want my classroom to be.

What I've had to learn, and especially to humble myself, is that I can change as much as I want. There's no real right or wrong at the end of the day. I teach my kids this -- it's very easy to think in terms of black vs. white, disregarding race for a second here. 

But we have to suspend our judgment when in the face of life and others, and think in terms of shades of gray. I'd even argue further that we shouldn't think in gray tones, but in color, and of all the beautiful hues out there. That to think anew is to think differently.

In my classroom, every desk, chair, bookshelf, wall is placed and decorated in a way to be of the most use. Throughout this past school year, I changed the locations frequently. My two desks went from the front end of the class, to the back, then half to the front, and both ended up back in the back in a different spot. The bookshelf from the side, to the back, front...you get the point.

I had a few comments made about how I'm always changing the format of the room every week or every other week. I felt a sting that it might be perceived as some sort of inability to deal with keeping things constant.

But as I have worked on myself and continue to, I realize it's okay to change in the face of a new week, a new day, a new second. We don't need to be tied to a spot, destination, time. It is not to say that I cannot be committed. It's a newfound skill I'm practicing of not being over-committed.

I've committed to relationships, whether romantic or platonic, and sat through the other's anger, stonewalling, tears, problems, screams, silence, laughter, conversations, blame, self-deprecation. All to the detriment of me. I don't even blame them for it anymore. Do what you will. You did the best you could with what you knew.

And so did I.

At the time, I did not know to speak up. Did not know I could speak out. To have control over my own space and environment. I thought relationships were places where I had to stick it out, even if it hurt. And all relationships are supposed to hurt. That they just need to be worked on. If I just worked on myself, then that relationship would improve. The blame, guilt, and problem laid with me.

Yet, relationships are places of love, care, laughter, friendship, communication, trust, empathy, understanding, hearing, listening, seeing. Relationships persist over time. They grow and change as the people within them do. They're carried across time and space to wherever those people go, whether they collide and are near or span across states and countries. I struggled and still do struggle with accepting this new belief. It's one thing to know and understand it, but to really live it day to day is another thing. And with growth and change, we don't just magically wake up one day all better, all changed. Change is an act you have to do each day even through pain. It is knowing that you are doing what's best for you. It is coming face to face with what's new and making it known.

And so, I have to continue to remind myself that relationships can hurt because people will accidentally step on toes. It does not mean that the hurt has to be prolonged, with no compromise, solution, or coming together in sight. And it is not one party working solely on themselves. As many have said to me, it takes two to tango, and the only way to tango is to be humbled enough to be open to learning.

As with learning anything, when we are shut off to the possibility of even being different in the future, of change, of growth, of newness, of things never being done before, we cannot learn.

I've been in many such funks, thinking, what the hell am I doing? What is anyone doing? Why are we doing this? I've come to find I'm not going to be the master of it all. All my weaknesses. Why someone shouldn't love me. Why someone shouldn't stay with me. 

But a new train of thought would counteract that: Is that helpful to recognize all my weaknesses? Is it truly helpful? And what is it going to cost me?

Realizing one's weaknesses is one thing. It shines a light on why I've never felt enough, why I abandoned myself, and left me in places and conversations I never should have been. But a new path would be to question my weaknesses, and how to move forward with them.

It costed me a lot: of heartache, nights alone with wet pillows and tissues on the floor, ruminative thoughts, my identity and sense of self-worth. Now knowing this, what am I going to do next?