2. 1) If I'm so successful, why do I feel like a fake? 2) What is the meaning of life?

By now, I should be what one could call successful. I am a twenty-five year old with a Master's of Arts in Teaching English degree. I moved out of my parents' place. I afforded my own car. I got "x" salary my first year of teaching, and I prayed to get "x" amount of salary the next year/job since others were making more than I was -- I eventually got it. I have been fortunate enough to land a teaching contract each year, out of graduate school, to teach English to middle and high schoolers.

Wow. 

If I'm so successful, the question is...why do I feel like a fake?

Being older now and reevaluating my life, I've come to realize a few issues with the ideas I've come to learn growing up.

I remember being good at the English subject in high school. However, I always had the notion that I was NOT good at math, and to put it simply, because my middle school Geometry teacher told me I was "stupid." Imagine being in 8th grade, 13 years old, and the result being that I cried in class. It was humiliating enough that even though I still did well in math in high school, the narrative I ended up carrying with me to this day is that I'm not good at math. But, I was and am. Luckily, I'm now understanding that I can change the story I tell myself.

For years, I also deduced that since I played teacher dress up with my siblings, became an AVID tutor, Recreational Leader, and volunteered at a middle school, my direction would be teaching. The grand scheme was to align me with what I believed I've always been drawn to.

Thus, I learned guilt over time. I felt guilty for thinking I wasn't good at math, but it felt even worse when I eventually grasped that I had shut myself from future possibilities. I could have been studying to be a lawyer, do business, be an engineer, go into computer science, or who knows what if I had not listened to others' or my own self-deprecating beliefs. And yet again, when graduation day was nearing for undergrad in 2017, I felt guilty because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my future. I just couldn't figure it out. There was so much pressure to choose the right path. Well, what the heck is the right path when you're twenty-one?!

I had called my parents, who immigrated to the U.S., basically begging them to give me advice, even though they had no idea what I was going through as a first-gen student, so I could make a decision. The result was applying to graduate programs for a teaching credential because I knew how to do school. I've been doing it all my life up to that point. I'm not sure, looking back, that I even picked grad school because I liked it or really knew what I was getting myself into. 

To be fair, I always wanted to help others, and at the time, I thought my life purpose was to contribute through teaching. Then, I would be happy. That's what I had unconsciously played in my own mind. Get a job, teach, make money, give back to the community and my parents, be happy.

But as I did everything I could the "right" way, I am struggling with myself. 

The truth is, I have laid awake a number of nights. I have cried on some days wondering what is the meaning of life (I, fortunately, came upon this enlightening and lighthearted comic to help me understand this question)? Is it really just meant for us to work constantly, eat, sleep, and repeat? All that...

for what?

As such, last summer came and smacked me square in the face. So I thought. I had banked on the idea that I would get hired by my school district because I worked so hard, regardless of the prior teacher being on leave or not. The idea that if I applied myself completely to my job, then my superiors will notice and pick me to stay. I will note that there are situations that do occur this way. Regardless, for me, it did not play out as such. 

Summer of 2019, I cried horrendously. The if, then statement did not work. I felt betrayed. It was like being stuck in quicksand, and my flailing about, trying to catch any job possible, was dragging me further downwards.

Come full circle to this summer of 2020. I am again looking for another teaching position since my temporary contract with my last school district ended. Thank goodness I have caught on that my value does not diminish whatsoever with or without a job. 

This is what is saving me today. 

Through another period of job hunting (in addition to a pandemic, getting COVID-19 myself, and quarantining!), I have spent hours of introspection. It forced me to really look deep within to see what I hold in esteem and want for my life. I ask myself: if I faked it until I made it with English and teaching, then what could I become when I'm doing something I'm good at and drawn to? That's not to say that I wasn't good at English or teaching, or didn't like them. Heck, I'm pretty good at both now and thoroughly enjoy it. But, what if I had other options? Other life paths available to me?

I did research and spoke to a multitude of people about these alternatives. At first, it seemed impossible. Many think that I should stay in the profession and keep subbing because that will get me in the door. Many think that it would be a shame for me to have worked so hard for my credential and master's to now walk away from it.

Honestly, a part of me does think it's a shame to be walking away from teaching if it does happen, but I'm also not really giving anything up. I still have my experiences, skills, and value. Again, regardless of if I have a job or not.

It is freeing to start thinking that I could go back to school to do a sonography program. It's an entirely new trajectory, but also not quite. I have come at peace with it being another means for me to give back and serve others, especially the underprivileged. That is my true life purpose. Of course, one should always do research before making drastic decisions.

If this were my sister or brother asking me for advice on sticking with something or walking away, I would tell them to do what makes them happy. At the end of the day, you only have one life, and recently from watching a podcast with Olivia Munn and Whitney Cummings, they spoke about how none of us make it out of this life alive. 

So if you know what is not for you, then choose what is. And if you don't try, you'll never know if you even like it or if you're any good at it. And it's okay. It really is okay to give yourself options! 

If this were them, I would definitely back my siblings up 100% and believe in them. So why is it that when it comes to myself, I am struggling to back myself up? What if I don't succeed? What if I don't pass those math and/or science courses? What if I get into more debt just to fail? What if I am wasting my time doing something I don't really like? It's overwhelming to have so many questions, with so little answers. 

I wish life was just a straight path, but we all know better. Life isn't straight and narrow. And if it is for some people, then they're very lucky. 

So, if you're like me, I hope we both end this post with the clarity that...

I might have felt fake, but none of my experiences are fake. My experiences are completely valid and necessary for me to be the incredible person I am today. I am worth more than my job, and I'm a person with a lot to offer no matter what happens to me. Whether I get that job or not. Whether I am living in or out of my parents' place. I have been and will keep on making mistakes and grow in my life, and I am the one in control of my thoughts, actions, and emotions. I am the one that gives my life meaning. It is up to me to make my life as meaningful as I want it to be, and it is perfectly fine to sit with the unknown and discomfort. It might not feel great at the moment, but it too shall pass. We got this.