6. 2021's Lessons

Some of the many lessons I learned being 26 and beautiful:

• Reading before sleeping or after waking calms my heart, focuses my mind, and there is much to learn about love languages, flirting, codependency, trauma, attachment styles, pain, and resilience.
• The Office is forever a favorite for laughter and love.
• running Honey Roll was fun (taking photos), but I may not have the dedication it takes to run a small business. I don't know. We can try again.
• Small celebrations are still celebrations to be had.
• It is crucial to name my relationship and self-standards.
• Putting myself into Kaiser's Healthy Balance program was a step to self-love.
• Deciding and promising myself to never let myself go as I did. Treating myself to doing my hair with a hairstylist that cares about me and how I feel with my hair makes a big difference.
• Dress my body in clothes, make-up, and jewelry. Live to make my body feel taken care of, good, and seen. I am no longer hiding behind being too lazy, thinking I'm too big to take up space. I took and will continue to take up space for myself.
• Learning to love working out by starting out with bodyweight workouts. If it wasn't 10 minutes of a walk or exercise, it was 5 minutes or 5 reps. 5 reps became 5 pound weights, 10, 25, 45, 65.
• Losing zero pounds, but feeling stronger and less stressed is very motivating. To my surprise, when I had drastically dropped 11 pounds after seeing no weight movement for 3-4 months, it lit a fire under my ass. Now, I am at a 23 pound loss. The number doesn't even matter to begin with. I'm never going back to 2017-2020 version of me.
• Vaccinating myself with both COVID-19 shots because it is an act of care.
• Having lost my job, moved out of my previous apartment to moving back home to getting dumped right before the new 2021 year, I literally lost it all -- the money, the status, my independence, my identity, my happiness and security (or so I thought),  health insurance, a sense of direction, "friends".
• Realizing my real friends were the ones that stuck with me when I had nothing -- absolutely nothing to offer, but quite the opposite actually. I only had tears, and yet they listened.
• I cried so hard coming home to my parents after being broken. I could not hold it in. I felt like the world was out to get me. All I wanted and needed was a hug. Hugs do wonders and so does talking about it. Talking, writing, and breathing healed me.
• Working for a few weeks at the Disneyland Vaccine site from dawn to dusk. Never in my life had I had to stand for hours like that. 10/10 would never do again. 
• Working at a movie theater and absolutely hating and loving it. I had to learn that I was still successful even if I had to rebuild myself from the ground up. There is nothing wrong with restarting. But this time, I wasn't starting from the ground up. I was stronger, more confident, I knew more, and I have grit.
• Taking intro courses for x-ray and ultrasound. Finding that I am so much more than my sociological and English mind. I loved learning about the body and my brain stretched in a way that I would never have imagined. I am also pretty good with science too.
• I took a trip to Vegas that made me realize I didn't need a love that never existed. I loved myself all the more for all that I had and have to offer. More fire was lit under me to find love for myself.
• To feeling scared, but meeting new people anyway, dancing like no one's watching, eating by myself, and just sitting with myself even out in public.
• Working out and still eating what I love, but just being more in tune with myself and knowing when enough is enough.
• Taking my damn lovely self to the beach more than I did in the past four years because it is my happy place.
• Taking trips to San Diego and letting my explorer side free.
• Taking the most walks of my life and enjoying all the sunrises and sunsets life has to offer.
• Watching all the damn movies I wanted by myself because I deserve to enjoy life.
• Getting in touch with my spiritual side with tarot reading.
• Throwing all the paintings that I did in 2020 because they reminded me of too much, and picking it up again to paint what I really wanted was empowering.
• Singing and dancing whenever I felt like it -- in the shower, at the store, in my car. Life's too short to hold it in. Let my body express itself.
• Revisiting places that were broken by others by myself and creating new memories changes the whole game.
• Buying my first Kate Spade purse. Honestly, just learning to spend money on myself rather than everyone else.
• Realizing I am gorgeous, fun, flirty, curious, innocent, caring, kind, sexy, a hard worker, and dedicated.
• Playing the ukulele because I enjoy it and I'm good at it. Not being less because I felt bad that others weren't into it as much as I am.
• Setting boundaries in my life and offering consequences rightfully so. If I don't speak up for me, who does?
• Resting when I can, but most importantly, making time to rest. My body thanks itself for it.
• Going to more interviews than I can count. Rejection after rejection kept my hopes down, but I still kept going. It is a tragedy to stop, but a comedy to continue with resilience.
• I am learning so much about dating and relationships in such a short amount of time. Infatuation is real. Love is not supposed to burn fast. It will die out as fast as it began. Love is steady as a pulsing fire. When you tend to it and find someone else to contribute, the love is stable and continues.
• Just because I have on rose-tinted glasses for life doesn't mean they're stuck on me forever. I can take them off and step away.
• Never do something in spite of something else. It will come back and bite you in the ass. Hard. 
• If someone makes you feel uncomfortable the first time, listen to yourself. It is a sign, a huge fucking red flag. Listening to yourself will save you all the hurt, pain, and tears in the long run. But also, if you don't listen to yourself. It's okay too to have some grace with yourself. You're trying your best and doing what you think is right for you in that moment. Just believe in yourself enough to know that you will eventually get through and out of whatever it is that is hurting you.
• These lips are meant for more than lust.
• They treat you like an option, a play thing, as unaware, as undeserving. Yet look at me now. I am the standard. I am the priority. I am nice, and yet I am firm. I will serve you the truth. I am wholly deserving, and I am aware.
• They thought they broke me but in the end, they came crawling back. Who lost?
• A man or woman who lusts after another and acts upon it even when in a relationship is not deserving. No sob story carries enough conviction for cheating.
• My safety and happiness is my number one priority. I might not make all the right decisions the first time around, but I will come to it. Life is about constantly learning to come back to ourselves.
• Not everyone has to agree with us. Not everyone is right as well. You decided. Life is various shades of gray, never black and/or white.
• People make mistakes, including myself. People will judge as you tell your story or they won't. You decide who gets to stand by you. Choose the ones that believe the goodness in you. You also have to believe in your own goodness.
• Emotional, physical, and mental manipulation and abuse are no joke. It is a push and pull. You get sucked in and may not know how to get out. If it weren't for a solid support system, would I have gotten out? I think so. It would just have taken longer.
• A loving and communicative relationship will most likely come only if the people are honest with each other.
• Feet are a commodity.
• The destination is in fact not important at all. It's also nice to arrive, but all the time spent going on the journey needs to be appreciated as well.
• Being grateful and noticing all that you can be grateful for is life-changing.
• Living for the experiences will help you gain many, but learning also means facing a lot of failure and frustration. So when you date, if there is just even a ounce of discomfort, lack of compatibility, red flag, don't fucking do it!! Even if you feel bad! They won't feel bad for you!
• You give because you have a big heart and care, but give at the pace of the relationship.
• Finding a teaching job and coming back stronger than ever because I am a good teacher. I am still a good teacher even when I find time for myself.
• "Fall down seven. stand up eight" will forever by my motto. I love it so much, it is now my upper back.
• Crying so hard from being used and questioning how people could be so evil. Sometimes the answer does not lie with the other person because you will never understand how someone could use someone like that. Sometimes there is no answer, but people are selfish. They do what's best for themselves, and don't think about the effect on others.
• Buying a Disney Magic Key for myself because I love Disney. Who else is going to go? I don't know, but I will.
• August 30 was my first car accident. PTSD is real.
• Shang Chi!!!! I am so fucking proud to be Asian.
• A stay-cation is just as nice as a vacation.
• Seeing Maluma. 10/10 would do again. Except this time, keep to my own plans. Celebrate me!
• Meeting one of my favorite YouTubers. They're still just people.
• Trip to Bakersfield reminded me that good people exist.
• Begging to be loved in the wrong place and hands will break you. You will think you are trying, but you shouldn't have to break yourself for love like that. Love is not meant to hurt you. Love will not force you to bend down and beg. Love is forgiving and patient.
• Pain brought two new friends for an exchange. Life will give.
• October 31 was the second car accident that really destroyed me. Grateful to be alive and learning to rest prior to this accident was helpful because recovering is no joke. You cannot rush healing.
• Speaking my mind even if others don't agree. Would do it again in a heartbeat because at least I can pass saying I don't regret anything. There are no "what if's". People may still be thinking about why I did what I did, but I have long moved on from the event because I did it and I got my answer.
• Walking away from toxic friends who will manipulate you, push your boundaries, test you, not support you and lie to you. I cannot be there for someone who is not there for me. That is a one-sided friendship. You can have it. Not me. No thanks.
• Daily calls with friends can be healing.
• People are not all working on themselves as much as I think. Meet them where they're at. Leave if it is not good for myself.
• I am a good teacher in my own way.
• A man will feel too cold to meet up, but not cold enough to not mention sex. Drop his ass and let him know how funny his predicament is.
• The right people will try. They will show it to you in their words and actions. They will create space for you to feel safe, calm, and loved. Past traumas will be triggering and fears will resurface, but prove to yourself that you can be healthy.
• Actually, there's nothing to prove because you are doing it girl!!!