1. A Quarter. A Decade.

I am now a quarter of a century old. 

I remember when a few of my students this year came up to me one day and gave me a bunch of quarters. They would leave it on the desk at the front of our classroom by the projector, and I was so confused. I had no idea why these kids were giving me coins, but such a specific amount. I laughed when I realized it was my birthday! Just this February, I had turned twenty-five years old and it was the start of a "new decade." 2020. 

It's funny, now, that I think about it. Ten years ago, I had started my personal blog on here called, "Fifteen &Counting." Don't worry...I put it on private because 15-year-old Anne was quite intense. I sort of got caught up in life, and slowly stopped writing until I wasn't doing it at all. Now that I look at it. Five hundred and fifty-seven blog posts. Some super short, straight to the point. Some lengthy and winding, full of anger, passion, and ignorance. But writing had always helped me. I get really personal with people, but when I look through some of those posts, writing gave me a way.

It was kind of nice because I would wake up at the butt-crack of the morning, play some music, and just write. My dad would always ask me why I would wake up so early even on the weekends. It really saved me tbh. A lot of other things and people helped me to be who I am today, but I really think when I get to express myself, I am free. 

Ten years have passed, and at first, I thought I needed to hold onto my past. Because that's who I am! Right? I mean, I danced, worked out, played some sports, was a choir kid, held onto so many struggles, was a 4.3 GPA student, and so much more. I would drag these identities with me everywhere for the last couple of years. I started to feel like a fake until I realized I could also let go. If you watch Mulan, it's when all the soldiers are carrying the tremendous weight of "discipline" and "strength," and they can't even get to the arrow at the top of the stake. Being where I am right now, I feel at peace with the fact that all of my identities were me, but can also stay as my past. I can use each weighted coin to help me reach the top of my stakes rather than drag me down.

At the time, I would go to school 1-2 hours earlier than the start time -- which, btw, was so early because we had zero period -- and I'd stay until 8 P.M. hanging out with friends or doing what fifteen-year-olds do. I'd volunteer each weekend, filling up all my time so that I could look good on a screen for colleges. I sought to keep myself so busy I didn't have to think about my parents' struggles, my siblings', my friends', my teachers', and even my own. 

But this year, I am learning that I don't need to own everyone's struggles. I can support and just carry one quarter. I don't need to be who I was at 15 and on. I can definitely drop some of those identities and create new ones. Even when I carry some over, I can still mold my identity to what fits me. I don't need to fill up my schedule to hide my pains. I now fill up my time with what makes me feel happy. Most importantly, I find things to do and people to be with that make my soul feel at peace. The cup was never half full or empty, as whatever they say. The cup is for me to fill, pour, drop, dent, replace, draw on, and make mine.

Not that life is always as clear as black and white. There are choices to be made. I just know to listen to my inner voice...Growing to trust my intuition has been healing. 

I have also opened myself to new possibilities of what my life can be. Though I love teaching my kiddos, I am reflecting and finding that my core passions are to help others in need regardless of the means, striving for equity and my true self, and continuing to find ways to see the world like when I was five years old and my bathtub was the bottom of the ocean where I would feed my fish friends. 

I am also opening this following decade without any of the friends I started off with at fifteen. Of course, that pulls at my heartstrings. Chapters and books end, leaving room for more chapters and new readings. I always like to take a good look at the outside cover of a book before I begin and when I end, so I give myself the chance to process it in its entirety.

So with another decade that I never really imagined coming, 2020 has arrived and I'm ready with more in my toolbox, excited, and still just as hopeful.